Super strength, super dexterity, and super intelligence. A girl he refuses to be with for her own protection. An overwhelming sense of guilt, and a moral obligation to help humanity. Great, then we all agree. Edward Cullen would be a better Spiderman than Peter Parker. This is stupid. I’m sorry, what’s that Dan? I said this is stupid! That’s weird, I thought you didn’t want to talk about vampires. No, I said I didn’t want to talk about Twilight. Dracula, Nosferatu, the Vampyre; those are vampires and I will discuss those vampires dusk till dawn… That was not intentional. Dan, you can’t pretend that modern vampires don’t exist. Aren’t you the least bit curious why they disappeared from horror movies and started appearing in teen dramas? No! Because, Daniel, at some point we stopped wanting to slay vampires and started wanting to… you know… brush our fingers across their glimmering torsos until our tender womanhood aches with the temptation! Twilight, The Vampire Diaries, Being Human… who are all these series geared toward? Teenagers, and people with the mental capacity of same. Teenage GIRLS. Vampires are pale, misunderstood kids who are too scared to bone each other ’cause of the consequences. Vampires have become the go-to metaphor for how we all felt about sex when we were thirteen. Granted, my understanding of sex as a thirteen year old was less than… accurate. But I never pictured it as biting anyone or draining anyone’s blood. Poor, misguided Daniel. Not literally, but there are weird, horrifying body parts to deal with, an unquenchable hunger, and the FLUIDS. Like killing an oyster with your fist. It’s a pretty horrifying prospect for a kid. It’s a pretty horrifying prospect now. Horny vampires are a great way to take all that angst, and wrap it up in a nice little bow so kids can handle it. Plus, it’s the only legal way outside of Disney boy bands to discuss teen sex. Take Twilight. Edward is in love with a mortal girl, but as much as he wanted to tear into her, he stops himself because he’ll ruin her. As bad as they both want it, he doesn’t want to “make her bleed.” (mouths) “Make Her Bleed.” Yeah, I got it. Dan I want to apologize for forcing you into this conversation. Thank you! I can’t. But, the point of vampirism isn’t coming to terms with the awkwardness of sex, it’s about escaping it. I mean what’s the most valuable power that a vampire could offer a teenager? Flight! And a great complexion. Strength and dexterity. Two cardinal D&D traits. I’m going to stick with the blood sex. It’s immortality. I mean think about puberty, you went these just awful changes and you gained all these responsibilities and weight. Bullshit you did! No, not me, you, you all, I said you. Got it. Imagine that you could suddenly just… stay young forever. All those problems that you had, they’d just disappear. No more responsibility, no more weird body smells, no more growing old. You could just be a young, cool, flying outcast forever. It’s like Neverland… …except if the lost boys sucked Wendy’s blood. Oh! The Lost Boys! One of the first vampire teen movies and they got it exactly right. It’s just taking reckless youth to its logical conclusion. Fanged nocturnal monsters. But that stuff doesn’t matter like it used to. It’s been a notoriously bad decade for bullies. I mean, Twilight should have been popular in the 80s or 90s, but not now. Maybe it’s not just about popularity and puberty. Pops and pubes. Pops and pubes, thank you. Maybe the future looks bleak to these kids for… bigger reasons. Right! You didn’t let me explain how vampirism is like syphilis- No! Jesus, no! I mean, this is a whole generation of teenagers who spent their entire lives hearing about how terrible humanity is for the earth. The world is going to end very soon and it’s all our fault because we took advantage of it. In every series, vampires just want to peacefully coexist and fit in but just by existing, they destroy. Suddenly, all of these guilt ridden teenagers stop running away from vampires and they start to sympathize with them. How vamp-ironic. Sucks to be them! Alright, you know what, I’m outta here. You three grown men have fun discussing Twilight. Oh, by the way. But aren’t there also bad vampires in all these series? Yeah, well, that’s better, ‘cause now the kids have context. Okay, so yes, they’re part of something awful, but at least their not as bad as the really evil vampires that recklessly consume. It first gives them a tangible way to process their guilt, but then, lets them know they’re not the worst ones out there. Did I do it? Did I win? Haha! I AM LEGEND! …that was also not intentional. Are there really good and bad vampires in Twilight? I thought it was like a… possessed car or something? Wait a minute… has anyone here, other than me, actually seen Twilight? Fuck you guys. Fuck you too! (Michael) Did you get that email that I- (Soren) No. (Michael) No…?