Why Everyone Wants To Have Sex With Vampires | After Hours

Why Everyone Wants To Have Sex With Vampires | After Hours


Super strength, super dexterity, and super intelligence. A girl he refuses to be with for her own protection. An overwhelming sense of guilt, and a moral obligation to help humanity. Great, then we all agree. Edward Cullen would be a better Spiderman than Peter Parker. This is stupid. I’m sorry, what’s that Dan? I said this is stupid! That’s weird, I thought you didn’t want to talk about vampires. No, I said I didn’t want to talk about Twilight. Dracula, Nosferatu, the Vampyre; those are vampires and I will discuss those vampires dusk till dawn… That was not intentional. Dan, you can’t pretend that modern vampires don’t exist. Aren’t you the least bit curious why they disappeared from horror movies and started appearing in teen dramas? No! Because, Daniel, at some point we stopped wanting to slay vampires and started wanting to… you know… brush our fingers across their glimmering torsos until our tender womanhood aches with the temptation! Twilight, The Vampire Diaries, Being Human… who are all these series geared toward? Teenagers, and people with the mental capacity of same. Teenage GIRLS. Vampires are pale, misunderstood kids who are too scared to bone each other ’cause of the consequences. Vampires have become the go-to metaphor for how we all felt about sex when we were thirteen. Granted, my understanding of sex as a thirteen year old was less than… accurate. But I never pictured it as biting anyone or draining anyone’s blood. Poor, misguided Daniel. Not literally, but there are weird, horrifying body parts to deal with, an unquenchable hunger, and the FLUIDS. Like killing an oyster with your fist. It’s a pretty horrifying prospect for a kid. It’s a pretty horrifying prospect now. Horny vampires are a great way to take all that angst, and wrap it up in a nice little bow so kids can handle it. Plus, it’s the only legal way outside of Disney boy bands to discuss teen sex. Take Twilight. Edward is in love with a mortal girl, but as much as he wanted to tear into her, he stops himself because he’ll ruin her. As bad as they both want it, he doesn’t want to “make her bleed.” (mouths) “Make Her Bleed.” Yeah, I got it. Dan I want to apologize for forcing you into this conversation. Thank you! I can’t. But, the point of vampirism isn’t coming to terms with the awkwardness of sex, it’s about escaping it. I mean what’s the most valuable power that a vampire could offer a teenager? Flight! And a great complexion. Strength and dexterity. Two cardinal D&D traits. I’m going to stick with the blood sex. It’s immortality. I mean think about puberty, you went these just awful changes and you gained all these responsibilities and weight. Bullshit you did! No, not me, you, you all, I said you. Got it. Imagine that you could suddenly just… stay young forever. All those problems that you had, they’d just disappear. No more responsibility, no more weird body smells, no more growing old. You could just be a young, cool, flying outcast forever. It’s like Neverland… …except if the lost boys sucked Wendy’s blood. Oh! The Lost Boys! One of the first vampire teen movies and they got it exactly right. It’s just taking reckless youth to its logical conclusion. Fanged nocturnal monsters. But that stuff doesn’t matter like it used to. It’s been a notoriously bad decade for bullies. I mean, Twilight should have been popular in the 80s or 90s, but not now. Maybe it’s not just about popularity and puberty. Pops and pubes. Pops and pubes, thank you. Maybe the future looks bleak to these kids for… bigger reasons. Right! You didn’t let me explain how vampirism is like syphilis- No! Jesus, no! I mean, this is a whole generation of teenagers who spent their entire lives hearing about how terrible humanity is for the earth. The world is going to end very soon and it’s all our fault because we took advantage of it. In every series, vampires just want to peacefully coexist and fit in but just by existing, they destroy. Suddenly, all of these guilt ridden teenagers stop running away from vampires and they start to sympathize with them. How vamp-ironic. Sucks to be them! Alright, you know what, I’m outta here. You three grown men have fun discussing Twilight. Oh, by the way. But aren’t there also bad vampires in all these series? Yeah, well, that’s better, ‘cause now the kids have context. Okay, so yes, they’re part of something awful, but at least their not as bad as the really evil vampires that recklessly consume. It first gives them a tangible way to process their guilt, but then, lets them know they’re not the worst ones out there. Did I do it? Did I win? Haha! I AM LEGEND! …that was also not intentional. Are there really good and bad vampires in Twilight? I thought it was like a… possessed car or something? Wait a minute… has anyone here, other than me, actually seen Twilight? Fuck you guys. Fuck you too! (Michael) Did you get that email that I- (Soren) No. (Michael) No…?

100 Comments

  • Umneriko

    October 3, 2016

    I don't want to have sex with vampires… I wanna have sex with a certain adorable ghost that likes jump scares.

    Reply
  • Nivan Jeffries

    October 11, 2016

    anyone else hear the whilhelm scream?

    Reply
  • The Incandescent One

    November 3, 2016

    Male Vamps: Sparkly
    Female Vamps: Good at the succ

    Reply
  • irmuu sanaa

    November 3, 2016

    Ok everyone who hates twilight sparkle vampire shit ! #fucktwilight

    Reply
  • Brytani Henry

    November 4, 2016

    Love how awkwardness at the end lol

    Reply
  • Edgy, but ironically, I promise

    November 5, 2016

    reads title I want that

    Reply
  • Zara Franke

    November 20, 2016

    he wins

    Reply
  • Hedwig's Friend

    November 24, 2016

    For the most part I, as a teenage girl found the Twilight movies hilarious. I want to do stuff to help Earth and isn't that what intelligent people would want to do, instead of sparkly vampires.

    Reply
  • Sassy Slytherin

    November 30, 2016

    Vampires became sexy to me because of Gerard Way back in Revenge era

    Reply
  • Anne Krofta

    December 1, 2016

    Let's not forget other famous (or infamous) vampires: Lestat from Anne Rice's Vampire Chronicles, Ivy from the Hollows/Rachel Morgan book series, definitely Camila. Father Abel Nightroad from Trinity Blood, he eats other vampires.

    Reply
  • Ultra RaNova

    December 14, 2016

    i laughed at your puns katie c:

    Reply
  • Living With DCS

    December 23, 2016

    Damn, with this video, I have watched every C:AH video.

    Reply
  • Zoë McGonnell

    January 1, 2017

    Katie and Michael are both wearing wedding bands and in earlier episodes, he was very shamelessly flirting with her. Are they married?

    Reply
  • Seth Lockhart

    January 2, 2017

    soren still looks the same…he's a vampire

    Reply
  • kandice lenare

    January 4, 2017

    God they look so young

    Reply
  • Drunken Whaler

    February 6, 2017

    So, does talking while waving a fork around make you lose Charisma? Or is it talking about Dungeons and Dragons that does it? Because I feel like I'm constantly losing Charisma and I'm desperate for a social life.

    Reply
  • what blank?

    February 8, 2017

    mouth breather and shovel face…

    Reply
  • Damon Albarn Angrily Playing His Melodica

    February 9, 2017

    John Mitchell, Being Human UK. That is all.

    Reply
  • WeißTeufel

    March 6, 2017

    A MORMON WROTE TWILIGHT!? GOD-DAMNIT! Why did you have to tell me that?! That's it! I could handle the polygamy thing, but sparkling vampires is just too damn far! Get your PG out of my Western-Cultural decadence!

    Reply
  • Yaoi LovER

    March 10, 2017

    anne rice made me wet in the 90s and still does (fuck the qotd movie for just raping the shit out of the books ..though the fake music vids are kinda fun lol)

    Reply
  • 1-800- Positivity-Is-Key

    March 27, 2017

    My mom taught me about sex at 8 years old……..

    Reply
  • Elliot Day

    March 31, 2017

    What is she eating?

    Reply
  • War Bot

    April 26, 2017

    Name of song at the end? thanks

    Reply
  • flikcbigg

    May 7, 2017

    I never noticed the little Duckula reference before. Didn't realise that made it over to the states.

    Reply
  • Papa Figo

    May 11, 2017

    Oh look they used to eat the food, now it is just used as a prop.

    Reply
  • Raeanne Bedard

    May 20, 2017

    GO BEING HUMAN!!! Mitchell and Hal are sooooo hot

    Reply
  • Dallas Wood

    May 26, 2017

    The past 6 years have been rough on these dudes.

    Reply
  • Yaoi LovER

    May 31, 2017

    anne rice won my sex card as a kid. fuck twilight. lestat all day!

    Reply
  • Kenny Guy

    June 10, 2017

    least favorite episode… I think it bothers me that Soren and Michael have an awkward moment at the end, like they're not really friends… Idk

    Reply
  • JamesCPotter13

    July 7, 2017

    so is this when Siren became a vampire? He still hasn't AGED.

    Reply
  • Raka Mukherjee

    July 12, 2017

    i think it has to appeal to the ideal that girls have this hot guy who will save their secrets or i don't even fucking know which makes the girls special or idk

    Reply
  • the madman lowercase

    July 14, 2017

    Lol chr -1 LMFAO

    Reply
  • Tehe Lope

    July 18, 2017

    Ok I'm sorry but I just gotta say, Dan has a booty

    Reply
  • Chun Chan

    July 18, 2017

    It's easy, Blade and Selene(Underworld) killed all or most of the alpha steroid pumped wrestlemania vampires and let rise the vegan sparkly day walkers who were left to roam free when Blade's alter ego Wesley Snipes went to jail for "tax evasion". Having fixed their generations long war with the Lycan, werewolves were set free from servitude and they thrived in small pockets. Having no central leadership of Marcus, Deacon Frost and the like, the vampires dwindled and fell into obscurity.

    Reply
  • Tnk4me

    July 20, 2017

    Is Michael really the only person we see actually eating his food?

    Reply
  • FinalFantasy7Freak6

    July 27, 2017

    Soooo is no one gonna bring up how Twilight romanticizes abuse and peodphiles?? And how it romanticizes suicide in New Moon? Or how Bella was a Mary Sue who didn't think she was anything without her boyfriend and how that can negatively affect the young peeps who watch/read the series??? No???? Okay, I'll just be over here with my thoughts, bashing on Twilight with my friends. 😊😊

    Reply
  • Wander Bear

    July 30, 2017

    Anne Rice and Poppy Z. Brite made vampires sexy

    Reply
  • Ghost Boy

    August 7, 2017

    people who want to fuck vampires:

    1) necrophiliacs that don't have the guts to fuck an actual dead person.
    (good on you, as that's illegal and really fucked up.
    for this type I recommend seeing a therapist dating an emo, as they're dead inside.)

    2) necrophiliacs that want consent from the other party.
    (less fucked up then the first type but still fucked up. for this type I recommend roleplaying with your partner, or finding a partner up for that kind of roleplaying.)

    3) people attracted to the mysterious and often romanticized nature of Edwardian and Victorian vampires.
    (for this type I recommend dating a goth. really simple honestly. some fitting goth types: vamp goth, romantic goth, or gothic lolita)

    4) people attracted to the possessive and angsty nature of modern vampires.
    (for this type I recommend also dating an emo. those are some angsty fuckers)

    5) blood kink.
    (for this type….uhh keep doing your thing, just be safe)

    I'm definitely type 3 myself

    Reply
  • Revile Paragon

    August 8, 2017

    I thought it was a biting kink

    Reply
  • Rebby Berard

    August 21, 2017

    …vampires have been sex symbols since forever

    Reply
  • Productive Channel

    August 22, 2017

    Well, to me vampires are a personification of the acceptance of our human fears and conflicts, the waking of repressed sexuality, primal forbidden desire, and pure intimacy, giving and devoting your everything to the one you want to be with FOREVER, which is impossible to us as humans, but not for a vampire who can also grant the gift of never having to be afraid of dying as well. Idk, maybe that's why they appeal many people so bad.

    Reply
  • Ms. Blood Diamond

    September 4, 2017

    4:48 put 27 after the last word dan says

    Reply
  • RedDiamondJeff

    September 15, 2017

    I.m a vapires

    Reply
  • Ross Eaton

    September 18, 2017

    Back when they could cuss

    Reply
  • Laz Mann

    October 8, 2017

    What if vampism is an std

    Reply
  • preternatural

    October 8, 2017

    i love katie lmao

    Reply
  • K Cheng

    October 13, 2017

    give me a break… these people are stupid!!! sexuality and vampires did NOT start with the terrible movies in Twilight of Buffy the Vampire slayer.. SO stupid. and ignornat. Have these millenials not heard of the Hammerstein movies in the 1970s and others during those of the 1980s.??? these had hotter women and sexuality of these movies than anything these teenage horrible movies presented. Using Twilight as standard is ridiculous.. oh.. and did these people forget the 1992 dracula movie?? loss of sexuality then.. lust… not this Twilight crap.

    Reply
  • Adam Manzi

    October 14, 2017

    Ok everyone is just talking about vampires but no one looks at all the food they left and wasted

    Reply
  • Kay Kay

    October 29, 2017

    That still doesn't explain why we want to have sex with them

    Reply
  • TheUnknowableLoser

    November 4, 2017

    I want a Blade and Twilight Crossover where Blade kills every twilight character.

    Reply
  • Chris Hubley

    November 17, 2017

    Vampires have always been about sex

    Reply
  • Dahlia Legacy

    November 19, 2017

    @[email protected] I want that sandwich….

    Reply
  • help me

    November 23, 2017

    Interview with a vampire tho

    Reply
  • Raven Devino

    December 14, 2017

    Paused at 1:10. Anne Rice. Anne Rice made vampires sex symbols.

    Reply
  • Kimia A

    January 11, 2018

    has anyone read carmilla?it was before dracula and about a lesbian vampire who sucked blood from the left boob

    Reply
  • JarlyShots

    January 12, 2018

    Do not compare sparkles to Angel

    Reply
  • Yaoi LovER

    January 14, 2018

    lestat! armand! marius! vittorio!

    Reply
  • Aaron Fantasia

    January 26, 2018

    mentions D&D:

    charisma -1

    Reply
  • Metal Thrash Man

    February 6, 2018

    I'm a horny vampire

    Reply
  • Adamin

    February 11, 2018

    Actually Dan Strength is the easiest dump stat hahah

    Reply
  • Jade Laurel Johnson

    February 26, 2018

    Vampires have always been sex symbols. They're dangerous and use sexual temptation to assuage their victims. They come into your bedroom at night and climb on top of you to suck out your life force. Usually they gaze is hypnotic, letting you release your inhibition. They used to be "ugly" but even Dracula shapeshifted into his "human" self; Wallachia's Vlad Dracul II. "Son of the dragon" – the Impaler. Like vampires impale our flesh with their fangs. Vampires have always been the link between human and demon. They represent a life after death on earth. They're the friendly version of demonic possession. The earliest vampires were about sex, not blood. Incubus, succubus. We've been leading up to this since we first put them in cinema. We just finally thought they could be satiated with animal blood and that opened up a more friendly neighborhood vampire.

    Reply
  • boasome1 SSS RADIO

    April 10, 2018

    Why are most vampire movies on nick about white guilt or deceit

    Reply
  • Michael Song

    May 23, 2018

    I tried watching Twilight to see what the fuss is all about. After 10 minutes into it, I stopped the video and deleted it.

    Seriously, thank you Hellsing for making vampires scary as they should be.

    Reply
  • bbria28

    May 28, 2018

    2018 and I still miss my babies 😭

    Reply
  • Amrita Ramesh

    July 23, 2018

    … Y'all know bleeding isn't a sign of virginity, right? That's just what happens when women are terrified and totally un-excited and mentally and physically ready for sex? "But here's a great reason why that's not a dealbreaker, guys! I call it… VIRGINITY!" That's a… myth? You… know… that.. right…?

    Reply
  • Michaela Beamish

    August 7, 2018

    I’m only 1:20 into this video but it can tell you it’s because of Anne Rice.

    Reply
  • velazquez armouries

    August 21, 2018

    Well the fangs are temptatingquite much

    Reply
  • Michael Enoch

    August 25, 2018

    Michael Swaim is just the best. Wtf type of sex are yu having bro? Robots dont know shit about sex

    Reply
  • Michael Enoch

    August 25, 2018

    " (air") Make her bleed (air") " Spot on.. "SPOT on"..spotting. ya know like when ahh a.. nevermind

    Reply
  • Michael Enoch

    August 25, 2018

    Soren = Vamp

    Reply
  • Michael Enoch

    August 25, 2018

    That killing alter scene was creepy and right on weird. 3:06

    Reply
  • Michael Enoch

    August 25, 2018

    The awkwardness between Soren & Michael at the end made this for me.. also "Make her bleed" lmao yep

    Reply
  • Ms.Queue

    September 3, 2018

    I'm truly sad that the after hours crew never got a chance to talk about the cancerous growth offshoot of Twilight known as 50 shades of grey 🙁

    Reply
  • Dustin H

    September 9, 2018

    I want that french dip.

    Reply
  • AjGuerrero @gmail.com

    November 17, 2018

    Pops and pubes

    Reply
  • War Bot

    November 21, 2018

    Long shot but does anyone know the song at the end? driving me crazy as it sounds so familiar

    Reply
  • Jerry K

    November 30, 2018

    When you are poor, and hungry, and watch these videos.. "Michael said dick, so now I cant eat"

    Reply
  • Oma Rumunna

    December 25, 2018

    Bloodsucking spider… yeah sexy 😒😑😶

    Reply
  • Lecto-Sama

    December 30, 2018

    It kills me that everyone failed to bring up the Vampires of Anne Rice. If you ask me, that’s when vampires really became sex symbols, & was likely the paramount of Vampire mythology.

    Reply
  • Mortar team and a pooch

    January 2, 2019

    Okay.
    During Buffy The Vampire SLAYER the music in the background is SLAYER Reign in BLOOD.
    Slow Clap

    Reply
  • Robin Clarke

    January 11, 2019

    I just think sharp teeth are hot

    (+ The author of twilight is/was a Mormon so uh… Little bit more sexual repression than most)

    Reply
  • Apoc5k

    January 12, 2019

    Twilight is the bastardisation of the Underworld franchise, the first Twilight book came out after Underworld hit theatres, it's almost as if the writer of Twilight had the whole story of the first book written out but was lacking a key dimension to the story, then they saw Underworld and went "oh yeah, vampires and werewolves", insert mythology, minor rewriting and boom, Twilight was born to appeal to a tween demographic of mostly girls.

    Reply
  • Starmadien2019

    January 22, 2019

    We're working on fixing the world.

    Reply
  • AllZac'dUp

    February 1, 2019

    That was the most awkward ending I’ve ever seen for anything

    Reply
  • Nina Morris

    February 13, 2019

    Answer biting feels good.

    Reply
  • Drake Stevens

    February 19, 2019

    Th idea that vampires are sexy goes all the way back to the origin of the modern vampire – Bram Stoker's Dracula. In the novel, Dracula was very sexual. In fact, it was part of his lure as a hunter. Countless other vampires stories have portrayed vampires as intensely sexual, but it wasn't really until the 80's before that vampires were portrayed as something other than monsters in film. The current stories were written or developed by people who grew up in that time, who secretly had a crush on bad boy David from The Lost Boys. Those stories resonated with current youth, particularly young women, but simply because the idea itself is sexy. Being intimate with a beautiful but dangerous vampire clicks the "bad boy" button. Not really much more to it.

    Reply
  • Worldwide Plus Music

    March 7, 2019

    Superb 💋

    Reply
  • GT johns

    March 8, 2019

    I miss the old Cracked vids 😪

    Reply
  • Nalea García

    March 19, 2019

    Wait! So is Soren a vampire? ❤️🖤💜😂😍

    Reply
  • Ichigo A Panchal

    March 22, 2019

    sucks to to them LOL

    Reply
  • LexReads

    April 6, 2019

    Michael: 2
    Daniel: 4
    Katie: 3
    Soren: 2

    Reply
  • Butt Soup

    April 12, 2019

    "…like killing an oyster with your fist" might be the best and most disgusting description of sex fluids ever written

    Reply
  • Cleo Gem

    April 20, 2019

    Edward Cullen was a symbol of abstinence, because he badly wanted to suck Bella's blood, but chose not to. Which means he wanted to fuck her, but refrained from doing so. And then, after she almost got her blood sucked forcibly (which could represent Viktor trying to rape her), he actually sucked some of her blood like he wanted to. By the way, blood sucking still represents sex in the movie, so it's pretty obvious now what the Cullens sucking the blood of animals represents.

    Reply
  • Adam Osborne

    June 12, 2019

    I'd forgotten exactly how skinny and baby-faced Swaim was.

    Reply
  • HappilyBlue

    June 30, 2019

    so edward cullen's batman now

    Reply
  • MrEtherOck

    July 9, 2019

    Interview with the Vampire. That's what started this.

    Reply
  • The Reviewer

    July 30, 2019

    A great video essay further exploring this topic: https://youtu.be/_ahqffbTc-g

    Reply
  • Heejae Kang

    August 6, 2019

    Michael could have said 'instead of trying to slay vampires we started trying to lay vampires'

    Reply
  • V.V

    August 6, 2019

    So it’s confirmed that Soren is an immortal?

    Reply
  • QueercoreCentral EmmaTheCommunistSquirrel

    August 26, 2019

    Goddamn, what's with all the hate towards teen girls and everything they like, leave the poor women alone, they've already got it hard enough.

    Reply

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